I’ve decided to take a break from the poetry for a second, and go back to
some pressing topics, and this will be about a topic that’s been debated in
politics, religion and more specifically to this post, in relationships. This is
about ‘Independence’, or at least what many females perceive it to be this day
in age.
See, the Oxford Dictionary defines being independent as, “not depending on
another for livelihood or subsistence”, “not connected with another or with each
other” and “free from outside control; not subject to another’s authority.”
Simple enough so far right? Okay. It get’s complicated when this term, rather,
mindset, is incorporated into a relationship. Over time I’ve come to realise
that many females tend to want to enter and go through a relationship with this
kind of mindset, and in most cases they have a reason to, some guy probably
messed it up for the rest of the male gender way back when. And I get it, it’s
understandable to want to ‘be your own person’ when in a relationship but the
extent to which many-a-female (not all of you, don’t worry) go with this is a
tad bit extreme, and in most cases unreasonable, leading to fights. This is to
the guys, just for a second, how many of you have been involved in this kind of
situation before:
Waiter/Cashier: Thanks, if that’s all your bill will be $(insert amount).
Guy: Cheers. *pulls out wallet*
Girlfriend: No, it’s fine babe, I can pay for myself.
Guy: No don’t worry about it, that’s what I’m here for. *warm smile*
Girlfriend: What you’re here for? I can pay for myself thank you, I don’t
need you spending money on me it’s alright, I have my own.
Waiter/Cashier: …. *awkwardly looks on*
You know that moment when you’re trying to do the ‘gentlemanly’ thing and pay
the bill, or for her shopping, and she takes it as a swipe to her pride or
independence? Look, ladies, when we offer to pay, it’s not that we think you’re
incapable, or inferior, or can’t fend for yourself, there’s no better way to put
it than that ‘It’s a guy thing.’ I can’t even classify it as pride, well, maybe
so, but it’s something we all have, it’s embedded in us to naturally want to
take care and provide for you. It’s been passed on from millennium upon
millennium, going right back to the dawn of time as far as hunter gatherers, men
naturally protected and provided,and women nurtured. This isn’t a debate on
sexism, or on the different roles we should each have but what I’m getting at is
that in most cases it’s not our choice, it’s instinct, forged by centuries of
repetition and practice.
It’s almost the same case when you offer us money or buy us something while
we’re there, how many guys do you know that will accept it with a smile and no
conscience. This is the biggest example of a ‘Guy Thing’, I know it looks like
pride and all but naturally, the testosterone and masculinity in us has a hard
time showing any signs of dependence or submission. This doesn’t only go for
jerks, even the nicest of guys find this hard in most cases, only because that’s
how we naturally are, obviously with time it gets better either if you develop a
really close friendship or relationship, but generally, it goes against every
fiber in our simple brains. I know that in most cases you have the “Oh, you
don’t want to feel emasculated do you?” reaction, and it’s not to the extent
that you assume it is, I won’t lie, probably subconsciously it’s a masculinity
thing. I actually had this conversation with a particularly independently minded
female individual and after giving my side, and her giving hers, we came to a
mutual agreement, “It’s a Guy Thing.” The sooner this is understood and
accepted, things can move on. I’m not saying that we should pay 24/7, and you
shouldn’t buy/offer money, all I’m saying is that if we refuse, or seem bothered
by this, don’t take offence, it’s just how we’re wired and with some patience
and settling, we find a way to find a way to take the backseat.
Independence is then commonly mistaken with feminism. Feminism is defined by
the Oxford Dictionary as, “the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the
equality of the sexes.” See the difference? Independence is focused on oneself,
whereas feminism only advocates for equality. Fair and fine they have
similarities but not allowing a guy to buy you something, or open your door, or
let you through the door first is not being a feminist, that’s an attempt at
independence. In life, especially in relationships, there will be times when
both of us, males and females, will have to let this instinctive and insecure
pride aside for the sake of maintaining favourable relations. Feminism should be
debated in society, politics, and in the work place, as soon as you see yourself
bringing it up when concerning matters of the heart know that you’re on the
wrong trail.
People get it twisted, they take a person having an emotional ‘dominance’
over them as weakness. Instead I believe it’s a strength, strength to put your
own desires, needs, and selfish whims aside, for the better of a ‘we’ instead of
a ‘me’. Many people follow the Independent lady persona but in case you didn’t
realise, she’s SINGLE (Yes, even in Ne-yo’s music video, she’s single). It’s
completely understandable to be self reliant if you’re not in a commitment
because in all honesty, you have every right to go out there and get it on your
own. That’s the thing, you can’t be a Miss Independent in a relationship because
what makes up a relationship? Two people sharing similar interest finding joy in
each other’s company down to an intimate and soulful level. Don’t get me wrong,
a relationship doesn’t mean you lose your individuality, it just means that it
becomes acceptable to let someone else take the steering wheel for a bit. It’s
possible to maintain control, even while letting someone else have an
influential say, I mean, just ask the First Lady of the United States of
America. You can tell that she’s her own lady, but still, she strikes a balance,
see for yourself. To be independent is not to have individuality.
You see at the end of the day the thing about (exaggerated)independence is
that if that’s how you live your life, how you conduct your relationships,
believing on self reliance in order to deny anyone else so called ‘control over
you’, in most cases if not all cases that’s how you’ll end up… By your self…
There’s no better way to put it than saying “No guy wants to date another
guy.”
Jesus christ you sound like an arse.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing worse than men presuming to tell women about feminisim and how we should interact with men.
No guy wants to date another guy? How about no girl wants to date a guy like you.
Dear 'Anonymous',
DeleteFirstly, I feel you took this out of context. This blog contained quotations derived from the Oxford dictionary, which the blogger noted. All he did was state the difference, based on the definitions (look them up maybe?). It also doesn't seem to be telling women how to interact with men, its explaining certain men's actions at times (for the good of women), to make them more understandable. Note that not all males will do this and accept their faults or even go as far as explaining most of their actions.
"Many people follow the Independent lady persona but in case you didn’t realise, she’s SINGLE" BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA..... RUSS DA POETTTTT.....U DA MANNN.....
ReplyDeleteI OVERLOVE THIS POST BRUVV